Self-Check :|

I just realized something today..

I'm a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to my eyes..

The question now is, "how did I get here?"

It's like what Liz Gilbert said, 


"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” 

She's right..and it's scary..

I'm losing myself..somewhere between my room and the staircase to my kitchen, I just lost myself..bit by bit, minute by minute..

At this point, I don't really know what I want anymore..much less, what I need..

“They flank me-Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They dont need to show their badges. I know these guys very well....then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity;but he always does that" 

So tonight, I reach for my squareboxed-non-responsive computer screen yet again..pouring my inner thoughts via my blog, hoping that the solutions might creep into me somehow..

I'm weak and full of fear..Uncertainty and depression have shown up and I'm scared that they will never leave..I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together..

I'm quoting Liz Gilbert again,

“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to..then someone came and said that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.” 

If only there was a giant red stop button, the one I can press on each time I want to stop myself from falling apart..