Self-Check :|

I just realized something today..

I'm a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to my eyes..

The question now is, "how did I get here?"

It's like what Liz Gilbert said, 


"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” 

She's right..and it's scary..

I'm losing myself..somewhere between my room and the staircase to my kitchen, I just lost myself..bit by bit, minute by minute..

At this point, I don't really know what I want anymore..much less, what I need..

“They flank me-Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They dont need to show their badges. I know these guys very well....then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity;but he always does that" 

So tonight, I reach for my squareboxed-non-responsive computer screen yet again..pouring my inner thoughts via my blog, hoping that the solutions might creep into me somehow..

I'm weak and full of fear..Uncertainty and depression have shown up and I'm scared that they will never leave..I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together..

I'm quoting Liz Gilbert again,

“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to..then someone came and said that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.” 

If only there was a giant red stop button, the one I can press on each time I want to stop myself from falling apart..

I can't :)

Here is the notion of the day : I can't !

*sigh*

Situation 1: Clinic Sri Indah

So I went to the clinic and got my face checked..I swear the doctor tak lalu nak tengok my face..all red and swollen..allergic reaction does that to your face sometimes..people like me just have to 'make-do' with our body system :p as much as I would like to complain, I have nothing to complain about really..I don't really like seafood and I don't really wear make-ups..so insyaAllah saye ok :)

let's go back to the clinic stuff..

as I parked my car, I peered into the clinic and saw gazillions people tengah tunggu turn masing-masing..
you know what I did?

*sigh*

I stayed in the car dalam 5 minutes..
why?

*sigh sigh sigh*

I was seriously embarassed to go in because of my face! muke saye nampak teruk dari depan, dari tepi..even dah pakai cermin mate pon still nampak obvious lagi yg my face was all swollen macam mangse dera :| more specifically, macam monster yg baru half transformed, if you get what I mean..not yet monster-like but it's getting there..big nose, small eyes, red forehead, non-stop garu-garu muke..

*SIGH*

suddenly..

Allah tiupkan several naluri :p

"Never be embarassed of yourself! no matter what you look like, you should just march into the clinic and demand attention from the staff! just 'own' the room!" (gedik sangat inner thought macam ni)

"You are a patient, not a beauty pageant!" (a slap on the face)

"Don't be too perasan, mimi..people might not even look at you in the first place!" (a second slap in the face)

I can't rase malu dengan diri sendiri..if kite malu dengan diri sendiri, orang lain lagi akan pandang rendah dengan diri kite..it's not because kite ni ego and rase macam tak layak untuk dipandang rendah oleh orang lain..no..but it's unnecessary..kite tak buat ape-ape yag memalukan pon..I look the way I looked last night not because I wanted to or because I asked for it..so no point untuk rase malu in the first place :) therefore, i walked into the clinic with my head held high..ceyyy..haha..well, I was wrong..people did look at me..some kids even stared at my face..I was just too tired to even care..haha..


Situation 2: KFC


So I work at KFC now as a very 'hardworking' cashier..haha :p it's my first ever part-time job..sometimes I didn't even bother telling people that..when they saw me in my uniform and asked me whether I was working at KFC, my instant reply would be "YES"..and then, "silence"..haha..you should see their facial expressions..

total shock with their mouths slightly open  :-0

the moment I said, "ouh, actually..I'm a part-timer"..you could instantly see the relief in their eyes..suddenly their mouths started to close down a bit and became a straight line  :-|


and I continued on by saying, "I'm on my semester break"..this is the moment where their mouths started to curl upwards to form a smile  :-)

*sigh*

3 expressions in 3 seconds..haha..I don't blame people, honestly..they want to hear great things about you..all the flowery stuff..somehow working at KFC is not very grand..it doesn't pay well..you'll have to work long hours everyday..I admit, it is a bit harsh..but there is absolutely nothing wrong if you do work at KFC..you have to 'own' it..ceyyy..no, really..if you're the cashier, be the best cashier you can possibly be..even when people look down on what you do, just give them a smile :) it's like telling people "I don't care what you think of me..I'm having a blast here!"..huhu..

*sigh sigh sigh*

One day, I had a foreigner as my customer..he started ordering food in english and I pon started la acknowledging his orders in english jugak..I asked him several questions to further clarify his orders..at the end of our 'jual beli' he said, "oh, you can speak english"..this might sound macam mengangkat bakul sendiri (haha) but please don't get me wrong..that's not the point here..I was far from happy to hear his comment..

as expected, my mouth went like this  :-0

also as expected, my inner thought went, "a million curses on you! pfft!"

also also as expected, I gave him the "are-we-not-supposed-to-know-how-to-speak-english-just-because-we-work-at-KFC" look

well, sir..we might not be able to speak english like you do but I don't think you can speak Malay like we do either!!! this might sound tak logik for I pon might not be able to speak his native African language but really, who's counting? my country, my inner thought, MINE MINE MINE!!! :)

*happy mode on*

like I said earlier, I can't be embarrassed of things like these..I can't be embarrassed of my work..I work willingly, by my own personal choice..if I were to be embarrassed by my own decision, then I have nothing..I'll go nowhere..there will be no solid ground from which I can stand on..I need to be proud of what I do, no matter what it is..I am proud of what I do now, no matter what it is :) insyaAllah..

*several deep breaths*

I think I'll be ok, insyaAllah..I pray so hard everyday that I won't get discouraged by people's stereotyping habit..I used to do it all the times too sebelum I started working at KFC, back when I didn't know better (I am ashamed of myself for this)..I think I understand people better now..some of them might not have options in their lives like some of us do..working at KFC might be the only option they have..if everyone is privileged enough to further their studies at universities and succeed in everything they do, we might need robots to work at KFC and tol PLUS :p again, this is merely a harmless opininon..

*sigh*

conclusion:

There are more to each individual than what is apparent to us :)

Paul Arden by My Father :)

Setiap tahun on my birthday, ayah saye akan hadiahkan saye buku..next year punye birthday pon confirm buku jugak..haha..honestly, tak tahu la nak happy ke nak sedih..haha..so in order to be fair, saye pon akan bagi die buku jugak la on his birthday every year..orang putih kate, "an eye for an eye"..if u tumbuk mate i, i tumbuk la mate u jugak..haha..

ok, enough babbling..

moving on..

*deep breath*

last night's book was:

Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite

by Paul Arden

ugly truth: Last night baru saye betul-betul bukak and bace buku ni (I'm not proud of myself about this) :|

*sigh*

*longer sigh*

beautiful truth: The book was schmacking awesome!!!

*happy mode on*

____________________

on the first page of the book, Paul wrote:

Let us start off on the right foot by making some wrong decisions  

Paul continued on with an example: 

In 1881 George Eastman, a junior clerk, left his safe job in a local bank to start a photographic company..

But here is the interesting part..

Seven years later, he changed his company's name to "Kodak", an odd choice since it was meaningless and in those days nobody gave random names to serious products. His reasons for choosing the name were that it was short, not open to mispronunciation and it could not be associated with anything else..

____________________

Beautiful quotes by Paul:

We try to make sensible decisions based on the facts in front of us..the problem with making sensible decisions is that so is everyone else..

A son said to his father, 'Dad, I'm in trouble.'
The father asked, 'Are they going to kill you?'
The son said, 'Oh, no, no.'
His father then said, 'Son, you don't have a problem.'

You can't afford the house of your dreams..that's why it is the house of your dreams..so either find a way of getting it or be satisfied with dissatisfaction.

Whatever decision you make is the only one you could make..otherwise you would make a different one..everything we do, we choose..so what is there to regret? you are the person you chose to be..

Great people have great egos; maybe that's what makes them great..so let us put it to good use rather than try to deny it..life is all about ME anyway..

Conclusion:

Your vision of where or who you want to be is the greatest asset you have!

FAIL ONCE.

FAIL AGAIN.

FAIL BETTER.

In order to succeed in your failure, you have to think of your failed situation as a good place to start from..

Before & After :p

BEFORE:
     I used to think that driving was the hardest and the scariest thing to do..
     I didn't see the point of learning how to drive in the first place..
     I wanted a personal driver..

bits and pieces of my story:

bersumpah to NEVER EVER tukar lane

then..

ade niat untuk tukar lane tapi TAK PERNAH tukar betul-betul pon

then..

changed lanes sambil MENJERIT "AAAA!!!" sampai jantung rase macam nak pecah

then..

purposely BAWAK TEMAN dalam kerete so that die boleh tolong informkan when to tukar lane and when not to tukar lane

then..

berjaye tukar lane sendiri tapi dihon or dipandang 'panas' MULTIPLE TIMES by pro-drivers

then..

tukar lane sambil PUSING SATU BADAN instead of tengok belakang via rearview mirror

then..

SIMPLY tukar lane :p

AFTER:
     I still think driving is hard, just not the hardest..
     Learning how to drive is necessary..
     I still want a personal driver (if possible) but I don't care if I don't have one..

kesimpulan hari ni:

It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be :) 

Don't run out on your faith! always and always have faith in yourself and in what you do..you will only get better at something if you keep on trying aka PROGRESSION..insyaAllah you will get to the end safely..the major key is to ISTIQAMAHTAWAKAL..

even though something is hard, don't stop..

even though something is scary, never stop..

even though you don't think you can do it, just have faith..

insyaAllah everything will be ok..aminnn :)

***so today, I'm gonna try to pack chickens flawlessly..haha..

It's Beyond "Money" :)

One Day..

saye pegi giant dgn my dearest mummy..tibe-tibe saye ternampak ade sorg macik tengah stack tissues dekat atas rak..

I couldn't stop looking..

I went to another aisle searching for coffee..

I got my coffee and continued walking..

I turned back, she was still there..baju uniform giant tucked in, stacking tissues..

*sigh*

my heart sank to the core when i saw her ..not because of what she was doing, but because of her age..

macik tu dah tua..probably someone's grandmother..

*sigh*

all that I could think of mase tu was, "how bad can her life be until she has to do all that at her age? imagine kalau macik tu mak aku? imagine kalau satu hari nanti aku jadi macam tu? nauzubillah..mintak jauh la, ya Allah.."

yesterday I realized how selfish I was to be thinking that way..

sebab saye tak doakan untuk macik tu sekali..saye mintak diri saye dan family saye dijauhkan life yg macam tu and yet, macik tu is living THAT life..

my heart sank when i saw her..her heart must have sunken deeper..

kadang-kadang kite kene belajar hidup susah..our experience makes us wiser..wisdom is "beyond" money :)

kesimpulan kite today:

percaye pade qada' dan qadar Allah..Allah tak akan menimpekan ujian pade seseorang melainkan yg mampu ditanggung olehnye..

NOTE: berdoa tanpe henti..doa jugak adalah usahe kite >.<

Life Finally Got Interesting :)

Alhamdulillah, ya Rahman hu ya Rahim..

for:

     1. The time well spent nowadays :p
     2. The strength to actually go for it in the first place
     3. The patience to actually work for it and on it now
     4. Making people understand my random decision
     5.  Each feeling that You make and allow me to feel

Kesimpulan kite hari ni:

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY! 

Always and always take the time to mengucapkan syukur kpd Allah SWT everyday di atas segale rahmat dan nikmatNya ke atas kite dan keluarge kite..Faham dan amati betul-betul this one basic human nature:

There ARE people out there who are much much more less fortunate than us in so many ways

 ::the list continues on and on::

*sigh*

A problem can be like a river so wide, it swallows you whole..

*sigh*

But ask yourself this: Is my problem more important than life itself?

Note to yourself this: While you're sitting down and worrying about all the wrong things, times fly by..

Now tell yourself this: Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. What you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands..all these..

OXYGEN

LOVE
FAMILY
FRIENDS
OPTIONS
OPTIONS
MORE OPTIONS

When you figure out that you actually have all these, it sure makes your problem seems so small..Therefore, no matter what the world brings you, just cherish what you have and LIVE..

Now I understand the hikmah behind my KFC :) insyaAllah..

Sudden Craving~

i suddenly have a mind-numbing-unable-to-breathe kind of 'craving' for this:

the giant white gate which separates malaysia and thailand..for me, it symbolizes:

F.R.E.E.D.O.M

haha..dramatic sangat statement..but seriously, this is the only thing that i can think about for these past few days..haha..well, ok..bukanla nak cakap yg saye tergile-gilekan structure batu ni :| i am craving for the idea behind it..the ability to break free! 

conclusion: sometimes the right decision is not always the best one!